Moms and Sons in The Afternoon

In my line of work as a school counselor, I spend a fair amount of time meeting with students and their parents and working to help them see the other’s perspective. One of the greatest schisms I see is mothers and their sons who are reluctant to do homework or additional school work outside of the regular hours allotted for a student who might participate in online school. Over time and with some personal experience, I’ve developed a theory about this problem that has lead me to a very simple solution.


Much of the problem is rooted in the difference between men and women. I should say also that as I man, I think women are more efficient workers and just might have a better work ethic than man. I believe women do a better job weaving their home life and their work life in and out of each other, while these tend to be two distinct areas for men.


These differences are critical and they are seen in the following scenario where problems arise. A young man is done with school for the day. He heads to his bedroom, looking to unwind and switch into “home mode.” Before he can even get his shoes off, mom comes in and starts asking about homework. “What do you have to do for math? Does your club have a meeting on Thursday? Don’t you need to study for science?, etc.”


To mom, she hasn’t seen her son all day. She wants the scoop on what needs to be done and it only makes sense to her to get those obligations out of the way and then her son can relax. To the son, these questions make his head feel like it's going to explode. He is trying to change gears and forcing him back to school mode now isn’t going to end well. Since he is a young male teenager, he’s probably not awesome at responding maturely. He says something he shouldn’t. Mom and son frustrate each other and this happens every single afternoon.


Sound familiar? If it does, keep reading. Here is what is happening. Think of the son’s mind as a computer. After the school day, it has to reboot and enter into home mode. He needs a little time to relax and switch out of school before he can get into homework. You know how when your computer is updating it says “Installing updates. Do not turn off your computer.”? Well, all those questions at the wrong time about school are the equivalent of interrupting the updates and it’s going to make the son’’s central processor lag for the rest of the day.


However, the questions mom has are important and they need to be asked. That’s mom’s job and I’m not at all suggesting she step away from that responsibility. What’s critical here is the timing. Here’s the fix. Mothers should lay out ground rules for their sons and their afternoons. “Son, studying for tests and homework are things that have to be done. But, I know you are tired right when you are done with school for the day. So, I’m going to give you 30 or 45 minutes to wind down and switch gears then I’m going to need to ask you some questions so I know what we have to do before tomorrow and I’m going to expect you to get those things done.”



From there, it’s just a matter of doing exactly what you said you were going to do. Moms, I know you are so curious about your son’s day but just wait 30 minutes before you play 20 questions. Let his computer reset and I promise you’ll see a huge difference in his productivity and in your relationship.