Recently, it’s been hard to turn read the news and not come across an allegation of sexual assault. The topic has consumed figures in politics, sports, entertainment, and public figures in individual communities as well. While there are plenty of talking heads to listen to about this, I wonder how good of a job we are doing in talking to our kids about this important issue.
In order to have a meaningful conversation about this, I think it is first important to admit that young people are likely going to exhibit risky behaviors at some point. Believing that your child is perfect and will never do anything out of line denies the opportunity to prepare them for challenging situations they may find themselves in one day. After all, even if your child never does something you wish they wouldn’t, you never know who else they might encounter or what your child’s friends could be up to.
As for sexual assault, we know that one of the least common ways this happens is behind a dumpster in a dark alley by a stranger. Rather, it’s pretty common for sexual assault to happen in a bed by a friend or acquaintance. Alcohol and/or other inhibitors are often involved as well.
I believe that sexual assault is directly tied to consent and we might define sexual assault as the point at which a sexual act moves beyond the point of consent or when it happens while an individual is unable to grant consent. So, knowing what consent looks like or a denial of consent looks like is crucial. This is what we have to teach young people.
However, this is difficult to do. Sex has its “stages” and is usually progressive. Maybe we like someone and want to kiss them, but we don’t want any more than that. This is where sexual assault so often occurs though. I know it’s very hard for a parent to talk to their child about these progressions because you have to discuss what might come along with a kiss. That’s made worse when you have to admit and accept that your child might be experimenting with drugs or alcohol.
I’m a firm believer in the value of positive adult role models that are not a child’s parents. These people can rival the influence of a parent as they shape a teen’s transition to adulthood. Perhaps, these non-parent adult role models can be relied on to have this conversation with teens, but somebody must have this talk. If a parent is too uncomfortable then a counselor, an aunt, a neighbor, a boss, a minister, a teacher, a family friend, or whoever needs to have a discussion with teens about sexual assault. We can’t let the media teach them alone. Teens of this generation need a realistic discussion about how sexual assault happens and that conversation is probably different from the male and female perspectives. So, it might happen best in a gender-isolated setting. Teens need the opportunity to ask questions, to reflect, and be honest about their concerns. Only when we are able to do that, will we begin to make progress in curbing this problem.
