I work with teenagers for a living. I’m in the adolescence business. These people are a different sort. To excel at my craft, I have to understand that. It is essential to my success that I appreciate and accept the different thought processes they have and consider those as I work with teenagers. In turn, I spend a considerable amount of time helping their parents do the same as well as my colleagues on occasion.
Teenagers are imperfect. The sooner you understand this and accept their inherent shortcomings the easier your experiences with them will be. It has been said that most of the problems people have with other people stem from differences in expectations. If a parent constantly expects a teen to think, behave, and operate like an effective adult, that parent is sure to be disappointed. You wouldn’t expect a toddler to act like an adult and it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that teens are still children. The difference is that they look a lot more like adults, they are capable of adult conversations, and indeed are capable of making adult decisions regarding their actions. However, expecting them to do this on all occasions is a fallacy.
This doesn’t mean that teens should get a free pass. Their teen years can function as a training ground for adulthood. I believe that is how nature designed us. However, as is with training grounds, mistakes will be made and lessons will be learned. The most frustrated parents I work with do not tolerate this. They don’t understand what compelled their child to make such a poor decision. They expect them to be forthright, calculated, and scrupulous. When the teen falters, and they will, these same parents attack instead of scaffolding a learning opportunity. This only works to sour the relationship between parent and child and things can spiral downward from there.
The most effective parents are still disappointed when their children fall down. They know this is an inevitability though and are there to pick their children back up. They don’t condone their childrens’ poor decisions, but are not surprised by them. They impose consequences, calmly talk to their children about how to make better decisions in the future, and move on. The relationship strengthens and the child has a want to improve rather than a feeling of hopelessness in meeting an impossible standard. In other words, the child is able to train as they should on the training ground before they head off to battle on their own.
I truly believe that going into your relationship with teens with an expectation that they aren’t going to do everything right is the secret to successful relationships with them. Understand that they are learning to be better but they aren’t perfect yet. Be willing to help them in their journey towards adulthood and don’t be surprised at the moments they show you they are still kids. Doing so offers the support they need to be capable adults and makes for better outcomes in the future and the relationships you have with them.
