Why does my teenager act like that?

Parents and their teenage children often do not get along. I can’t tell you how many eye rolls I’ve seen young people give their parents when I meet with them together and I can only imagine how many more of those happen on a regular basis at home. Being a parent of a teenager can be extraordinarily frustrating because of the argumentative and divisive behavior that they almost always possess, but I think it’s important to understand that this behavior is really a natural function of human biology and maturation.

A young child is entirely dependent on their parents. Those basics of Maslow’s hierarchy like food, shelter, safety, and love are provided  by the parents. Thus, the child is physically and emotionally dependent on the parent. A lack in those needs obviously works to cause flaws in normal development, but for my purposes here I’m assuming basic needs are more or less met for a child.

As a child matures and grows, they become more and more capable of meeting their own needs and begin to look to those outside of their parents to fulfill some of their emotional needs. By the time a young person reaches adolescence, they are at the precipice of adulthood and the biological onus to provide for oneself is palpable.

The problem is that teenagers are still tied to their parents. It is all they have known for their entire lives and they are still dependent on them in many ways. Their young bodies and minds know though that they must be ready to enter the world on their own. They must be prepared to separate themselves from their childhood, from their parents, and from what they are used to.

So, the strife begins. While no teenager thinks of it this way, that wretched behavior towards parents is quite intentional. It serves as a way to purposefully tear themselves loose from their parents so that they may be an independent adult. Everyone one of those eye rolls and door slams is another little push off to put distance between parent and child. That way, the inevitable leaving of the nest, usually after high school, is a little bit easier.

This is an important process for the parents too. I know that many parents can see an upside to not having their children at home anymore. That doesn’t mean a parent loves their child any less, it just means that they too are ready for the next chapter of their life. Adults have developmental stages also.

My point here is to say that parents need to understand that their teenager isn’t all bad. Their behavior can be extremely arduous to deal with, but it’s important to realize it actually serves a natural purpose. As a good parent, you still have to manage that behavior and keep your children in check, but know too that acting out is a natural part of growing up. That tear will begin to heal itself after adolescence and your relationship with your child will rebound, be patient. At some point though, that rift must happen.

The Ceiling

There is a point in every student’s academic career when they hit a ceiling. In other words, all students can coast by and rely on their sheer intellect to muscle through assignments up to a certain point. That point, or ceiling, is different for each student and can come at different grade levels, but high school is a common time for it.

When a student hits that ceiling, they have to re-evaluate things. They have to re-examine their study habits and their approach to learning. This usually happens in one particular class or when the demands of a group of classes exceed the workload a student is used to.

This is quite an alarming thing to happen to a young person and their parents, particularly when that young person is used to achieving at a high level. For many families, the knee-jerk reaction is to hit the panic button. “We have to drop this class, it’s too hard,” or “We just can’t understand this teacher’s style, we need a different one.” are typical responses.

I hear those often, but I shudder when I do. I believe those families are missing out on one of the most valuable experiences a student can have. That experience is the chance to learn how to overcome a mental challenge, how to think to solve a problem, how to manage one’s time, and how to break through the ceiling.

That ability to persevere mentally, when the going gets tough, is something that we will all need at some point in our lives and high school is the perfect time to learn that. Indeed, there might be a scenario in which a child earns B instead of an A or some other drop in accustomed grades. But, isn’t it far better to take those hits in high school than in college, career, or adult life?

There is more to high school, and adolescence, than learning about algebra and world history. Part of that time needs to be spent learning how to be an adult and an effective member of society. Learning how to navigate the tough times is essential to that and avoiding the problems by dropping classes or trying to change teachers doesn’t teach a young person anything. If a message is sent by avoiding problems it’s, “Don’t worry about solving your problems, just remove yourself from them.”  That approach won’t always work in life and if that is all a person knows they won’t be prepared to solve problems when doing so is the only option.

If your child finds a class or teacher that is harder than what they are used to, parent them. Talk to them about how you can work together as a family to make changes in habits that will get them through the challenge, even if that means they take a little hit in their grade. I’m quite certain that years from now that life experience will mean far more to your child than a few hundredths of a point in their high school GPA.