Why does my teenager act like that?

Parents and their teenage children often do not get along. I can’t tell you how many eye rolls I’ve seen young people give their parents when I meet with them together and I can only imagine how many more of those happen on a regular basis at home. Being a parent of a teenager can be extraordinarily frustrating because of the argumentative and divisive behavior that they almost always possess, but I think it’s important to understand that this behavior is really a natural function of human biology and maturation.

A young child is entirely dependent on their parents. Those basics of Maslow’s hierarchy like food, shelter, safety, and love are provided  by the parents. Thus, the child is physically and emotionally dependent on the parent. A lack in those needs obviously works to cause flaws in normal development, but for my purposes here I’m assuming basic needs are more or less met for a child.

As a child matures and grows, they become more and more capable of meeting their own needs and begin to look to those outside of their parents to fulfill some of their emotional needs. By the time a young person reaches adolescence, they are at the precipice of adulthood and the biological onus to provide for oneself is palpable.

The problem is that teenagers are still tied to their parents. It is all they have known for their entire lives and they are still dependent on them in many ways. Their young bodies and minds know though that they must be ready to enter the world on their own. They must be prepared to separate themselves from their childhood, from their parents, and from what they are used to.

So, the strife begins. While no teenager thinks of it this way, that wretched behavior towards parents is quite intentional. It serves as a way to purposefully tear themselves loose from their parents so that they may be an independent adult. Everyone one of those eye rolls and door slams is another little push off to put distance between parent and child. That way, the inevitable leaving of the nest, usually after high school, is a little bit easier.

This is an important process for the parents too. I know that many parents can see an upside to not having their children at home anymore. That doesn’t mean a parent loves their child any less, it just means that they too are ready for the next chapter of their life. Adults have developmental stages also.

My point here is to say that parents need to understand that their teenager isn’t all bad. Their behavior can be extremely arduous to deal with, but it’s important to realize it actually serves a natural purpose. As a good parent, you still have to manage that behavior and keep your children in check, but know too that acting out is a natural part of growing up. That tear will begin to heal itself after adolescence and your relationship with your child will rebound, be patient. At some point though, that rift must happen.