Yes, your teen is lying to you

If I had a nickel for every time a parent told me how their kid never did anything wrong and told them everything..... Did you ever do something you probably should not have when you were a teenager? Did you spill guts to your parents each and every time right after you did it? I can guess the answer to that, and what makes you believe your child is any different?

The fact is teenagers are masterful liars. Frogs eat bugs, water freezes at 32 degrees, and teenagers lie. It is just what they do. And, they will go to tremendous lengths to execute those deceptions.

My point here is not to blast teenagers, but to make parents aware that their sweet angel is not infallible. When they are unsupervised, eventually they are going to do something you wouldn't approve of and if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point they are going to do something you're not sure they are ready for. As a parent, you need to be ready for these inevitabilities. No kid has ever said "Bye Mom, I'm telling you I’m spending the night at Brooke's house but we're really going to Eric's house because his parents aren't home and were going to drink all their liquor." Those things happen though and even the best behaved children are going to go beyond their own status quo at some point.

As a parent you need to be vigilant and suspicious at every turn. You need to be aware that no matter how good of a relationship you have with your kid or how sterling their track record is, at some point a teenager will work to deceive you. The point of that suspicion is not so you can bust your child and ground them, ruining their next two weeks. Rather, it is to protect them. Ultimately, you want them to be prepared for what they’re going to do in situations you would not approve of. Let’s face it, the day will come when they are going to be around alcohol, drugs, sex, fast cars, and nefarious people without you. They’re not going to give you a heads up that those things are on the docket for that night and that’s where the lie comes into play. If your head, as a parent, is so far in the sand that you never believe your perfect angel will be around these things you are going to lose the priceless opportunity to prepare them or prevent them from the consequences they could face.

The world is seldom as black and white to young people as yes and no. Experimentation with anything is usually in a various shade of gray so there may be some truth in those lies. It will happen though, and parents need to talk about uncomfortable subjects and their implications no matter how good they think their child is. Be suspicious and prepare yourself and your child for the worst. After all, he or she is the only thing you have to lose.

Senior Year

Of the four years in high school, senior year is when you need to execute the plan you’ve been working on for the previous three years. By now, you should have determined which schools you intend to apply to and be well versed in their admission requirements and deadlines. My general rule of thumb for senior year is to spend the fall getting into college and the spring figuring out how to pay for it.

Ideally, you’ll want to get your admissions applications into colleges during the fall. Some colleges have very rigid deadlines in the fall while others will accept applications into the spring on a rolling basis. You’ll also need to consider early action and early decision deadlines for schools that offer those. For some seniors, it may be worthwhile to take the ACT or SAT at one of the earliest administrations in the fall. I recommend these not be your first attempts at the test. These should follow tests you took during your junior year.

As far as the application itself is concerned, remember that there are four parts to a complete application--it doesn’t matter what order a college receives them in, as long as they get them all. Those four parts are the application itself, the application fee, transcripts, and standardized test scores. Your application won’t be considered complete until all four of these parts are in and it is your responsibility, not your school counselor’s, to ensure all these make it to the colleges. At most colleges, you’ll end up creating an online account of some kind where you can track your application status.

Once all your applications are in, you’ll be playing the waiting the game for your admission decisions. That waiting period is a great time to familiarize yourself with the financial aid websites of the colleges to which you applied. There, you’ll find information about the school’s institutional scholarships as well as pertinent deadlines. You’ll want to make sure you apply for any and all of those you are eligible for.

When January rolls around, students and parents will want to be in position to file their taxes for the previous year as quickly as possible. This will put you in position to complete the FAFSA accurately and meet the colleges’ financial aid deadlines which come quickly in the new year.

After the FAFSA is filed you’ll receive financial packages that include scholarships, grants, loans, and work study opportunities from the colleges to which you were accepted. You may use these packages as part of the process in deciding which college to attend. Once that decision is made (you must do so by May 1st), make sure you follow directions related to housing and provide a final transcript to the college upon graduation.  

Once that decision is made, and you’ve got all your financial aid lined up, you’ll be ready to go off to college. High school is all about preparing you for life as an adult. For some, that means a career, but for many it means college. Having a strategy for life after high school graduation is critical to that and senior year is where the rubber meets the road.

Junior Year

Planning for a life after high school really needs to ramp up during junior year. The most important aspect of that is standardized testing. Remember, the two primary elements that are going to decide which college and university a student will be admitted to are their GPA and SAT or ACT scores. It is generally advisable to take the tests more than once and scores do typically rise from one testing to the next, at least to a point. I also think it is worth noting that I've never heard of a college averaging test scores if you take it too many times though this seems to be a pervasive rumor among parents. I like to see juniors take a test in the fall, a different test (SAT or ACT) in the winter, then another of the "fall" test in the spring or summer. Most people will find they like one test more than the other so I recommended students take the preferred test again at the first administration in fall of senior year. A student may even consider mixing in another test during the latter half of junior year.

        Obviously grades need to be of concern during junior year and students need to perform
well in the classroom. They also need to challenge themselves appropriately
with rigorous classes and look at taking classes in science, math, and world languages
beyond minimum requirements.

        Junior year is also about shoring up your resume. If students have not been involved
in anything, now is the time to do something. Colleges understand that not
everyone can be senior class president, and you don't have to be student of the
year to get into college. However, colleges do look for students who are not
bumps on logs and do a little more than sit around playing video games or
texting their friends.

        Of course students need to be winnowing down the list of colleges they'll be
applying to in fall of senior year. Those test scores will provide some insight
into the schools for which a student will be competitive for admissions. You
can use the College Board's college search engine at collegeboard.com to match
up your numbers with those of the colleges.

        Finally,11th grade students should really be visiting and touring the colleges at the
top of their list. Even if a student has grown up attending football games or
visiting a friend or relative on campus, it's a good idea to take an official
tour. Most people wouldn't buy a house or rent an apartment without seeing it
in person and choosing a college is no different. Fall Break, Winter Break,
Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Spring Break--whenever--get in the car and go. That
can make a huge difference in preparing the list of schools you'll apply to.

        Junior year is jam packed. Students and families need to be prepared for some
"life homework" in addition to their regular responsibilities in order to meet their goals after high school and have a smooth transition.

Sophomore Year

I explored freshman year last month and will go ahead and move through the progression in the coming months. That means I'll be discussing the 10th grade year here. Of all four years of high school, sophomore year probably has the least going on. Students should have moved past the transition period from middle school but they are not yet at the stage where activities related to college planning really step up. In a lot of ways, this is kind of an auto pilot year.

Any good pilot will tell you, though, that switching into auto pilot doesn't mean there isn't work to do. What is most important is that students continue to make good grades. They should be increasing the rigor of their schedule with classes that are appropriate for their ability level and perhaps testing the waters of honors, advanced placement, and similarly rigorous courses. Since there is not as much going on during sophomore year, students do sometimes fall into what is called the sophomore slump. It’s just an easy year to phone it in and slack. Parents should be wary of this and do what they can to keep their children motivated.

Many sophomores also have the opportunity to take the PSAT or ACT's Plan. These give most students their first taste of college entrance exams. The score they receive is generally in line with how they will score when they take the "real" tests and can be used as a first indicator of the colleges for which they'll be competitive for admission. PSAT and Plan have components that allow for the opportunity for feedback and individualized test preparation. 10th grade is certainly not too early to begin preparing for those tests that will be a focal point of junior year.

In terms of college planning, perhaps the best thing your sophomore can do is to think. This is a time when students really need to be thinking about what colleges they may see themselves attending. Do they want a big school or small? Close to home or far away? Sometimes, the writing on the wall begins to become apparent that their dream school just isn't going to happen. Again, that PSAT score is not going to be too far off from their SAT score and if they've been a low B student through a year and a half of high school, they are not going to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. So, parents and students need to become realistic with themselves and their college choices at this time. You can research some colleges that you haven't thought of before and plan to take some road trips to check them out.

Sophomore year is really all about laying the groundwork. If students operate at a high level in the classroom, start to think about life after high school, and move towards the testing that should be a focal point of their junior year, they’ll be on course for a smooth flight.

Freshman Year

   Each year of high school presents its own challenges to the student and parent as well as its own set of goals that families should strive to meet as they aim to transition to a life after high school. Of course the first of these years is freshman year and a big part of that is getting high school off on the right foot.

    I believe that the social aspect of high school plays its biggest role during the freshman year. These students find themselves right in the heart of puberty and they are currently searching to find their niche in the social scene. 9th graders recognize the fact that they are beginning a new chapter of life and that chapter will lead them into adulthood. They are often overwhelmingly preoccupied with their friends and the dynamics of friendships within groups as they struggle to create and maintain an identity.

    Unfortunately, this preoccupation often comes at the expense of academics and cutting academics short during the freshman year can create big holes on college applications. I like to remind my freshman that the GPA they have at the end of their junior year is far more important to me than the one they have at the end of their senior year. That is because students will be applying to college in the fall of their senior year, before any senior grades are in. Thus, the GPA colleges will use to determine acceptance are based on junior, sophomore, and freshman grades. So, grades from freshman year comprise a full third of one of the largest components colleges use to determine who they admit. Freshmen year matters. A lot.

    It goes without saying that doing badly during freshman year can impact the classes you take in subsequent years and the rigor of schedule is certainly something colleges examine. It should be obvious too that a student who does poorly freshman year is probably not learning all he or she can and that can impact standardized test scores.

    I think the key here is to expect some turbulent air as your child takes off for high school. Parents need to understand that the start of high school is a tough time in a young person’s life. There is likely much more they are dealing with besides what is happening in their classes and that extra social stuff might not be something freshmen are entirely forthcoming about in conversations with their parents. There is a thin line that must be walked between keeping grades up in the early goings of high school and not berating students to the point that they want to thrown their hands up and walk away from academics because the pressure of the social aspects and academic ones are all just too much.

    Be supportive of your child and understanding of the unseen struggles they are facing while patiently reinforcing good study habits. Even if freshmen year doesn’t turn out to be the best in all of high school, surviving it without being overly detrimental to post-high school goals should be considered a moral victory.

World Languages in High School

     Foreign language, more politically correctly called world language these days, is
an important part of the high school curriculum. Many are surprised to find, though,
that world languages are usually not a graduation requirement. They are, however,
most often a requirement for admission to a four year university so the majority
of high school students are encouraged to take these classes.
    With all that being said, there are several points to consider in taking
world languages.  The first thing to decide is whether to take one in the
first place. World languages can be tough. They are considered academic
electives and that means more homework, book work, etc. If you have a student
who is not performing particularly well in high school or for whom it has become
apparent that admission to a four year university directly out of high school is unlikely,
adding an academic elective may not be wise. That student could always start at
a community college which seldom requires a world language and transfer to a
four year university later.
    If you do choose to take a world language though, you'll need to decide which
language to study. Students are often limited to choose among the languages
their school offers but the advent of online educational programs means one can
look beyond their school's curriculum. It has always made sense to me to choose
a language that has some geographical or family relevance. Thus students in
Florida and Texas might benefit most from Spanish, Chinese and Japanese might be
very appropriate in the west, etc. Of course if a student has Portuguese
grandparents or a hearing impaired cousin those corresponding languages may be a
good fit.
    The last step in the process is to choose how many years of a language a
student should take. Two consecutive years of the same language is usually
considered the minimum. Taking additional language credits (preferably in the same
language, except for special circumstances) is highly coveted by colleges
and universities, however. The most competitive of those might even require
additional world language course work beyond the first two years. Therefore, it is
always a good idea to do a little research into the world language requirements
of the colleges you are interested in.
    It goes without saying that as a student moves through additional years of
their language, the classes will get harder. Like math, world languages are highly
foundational. So if a student chooses to blow off that first year in, say,
Spanish 1 and does poorly in the class,  the chances of them making it to Spanish 4 and
doing well there  are greatly diminished. Make sure your student is ready for a
world language and is prepared for a class that can truly open up the world to
them.

Time for your teen to get organized

A peek inside the book bag of many teenagers is really not so different than taking a look inside your kitchen trash can. Who knows what is shoved in there, however long ago, with little regard to what happens next. The difference is that the things in the book bag probably will be used again. The fact is, many teens and tweens struggle with organization but there is a lot that parents can do to help.

    You have to start by thinking about how personal organization evolves in a young person. Little children are not expected to be well organized. Often their teacher and parents maintain their book bag and mom or dad are completely in charge of what time practice and dentist appointments are. As a child gets older though, such responsibilities increase. By the time a child is a teenager, they have assumed the responsibility of maintaining their book bag, keeping things in their room in their place, and much of their own scheduling. What used to be keeping track of a couple of things has bloomed into a life full of responsibility. What’s more, just as adults face the harsh reality that their memory isn’t what it used to be, teens have to accept the fact that life grows too complicated to keep track of it with just their heads and without some level of organization.

    All effective adults have some way of keeping their acts together. Those methods can vary greatly from one person to the next, but they all have some format or procedure they’ve developed to keep themselves organized. Those methods probably came about over time, but they usually are effective in their own way. The unorganized and forgetful teen though has not yet figured out that he needs to be organized and has not developed his personal system to become so.

    Therefore, there comes a time in your parenting when you need to step in and say, “we have to change some habits.” It might be easiest to do this at the start of a school year and especially high school or whenever you see your student slipping sheerly due to unorganization.

    It is important to let your teen have some autonomy in the process. Don’t make them do the exact same thing you do. If you write everything down on a desk calendar and they want to use their phone’s note pad, that’s okay. The critical thing is that they are developing a way to keep track of all that they have going on. If you disagree with their methodology you can politely point out their method’s flaws and try to redirect them. This is a process that will have to have some trial and error and that can’t really be forced.

    The bottom line here is that at some point the shove-everything-loosely-into-your- book-bag-and-do-everything-else-by-memory-alone strategy is going to fall apart. When that happens, parents need to help flick the switch making teens aware that some habits needs to change in order to become effective adults. Teens will then need some assistance in developing those new habits, but they ultimately need to develop an organizational system that works for them in their life.