Talking to Teens About Sexual Assault

Recently, it’s been hard to turn read the news and not come across an allegation of sexual assault. The topic has consumed figures in politics, sports, entertainment, and public figures in individual communities as well. While there are plenty of talking heads to listen to about this, I wonder how good of a job we are doing in talking to our kids about this important issue.

In order to have a meaningful conversation about this, I think it is first important to admit that young people are likely going to exhibit risky behaviors at some point. Believing that your child is perfect and will never do anything out of line denies the opportunity to prepare them for challenging situations they may find themselves in one day. After all, even if your child never does something you wish they wouldn’t, you never know who else they might encounter or what your child’s friends could be up to.

As for sexual assault, we know that one of the least common ways this happens is behind a dumpster in a dark alley by a stranger. Rather, it’s pretty common for sexual assault to happen in a bed by a friend or acquaintance.  Alcohol and/or other inhibitors are often involved as well.

I believe that sexual assault is directly tied to consent and we might define sexual assault as the point at which a sexual act moves beyond the point of consent or when it happens while an individual is unable to grant consent. So, knowing what consent looks like or a denial of consent looks like is crucial. This is what we have to teach young people.

However, this is difficult to do. Sex has its “stages” and is usually progressive. Maybe we like someone and want to kiss them, but we don’t want any more than that. This is where sexual assault so often occurs though. I know it’s very hard for a parent to talk to their child about these progressions because you have to discuss what might come along with a kiss. That’s made worse when you have to admit and accept that your child might be experimenting with drugs or alcohol.

I’m a firm believer in the value of positive adult role models that are not a child’s parents. These people can rival the influence of a parent as they shape a teen’s transition to adulthood. Perhaps, these non-parent adult role models can be relied on to have this conversation with teens, but somebody must have this talk. If a parent is too uncomfortable then a counselor, an aunt, a neighbor, a boss, a minister, a teacher, a family friend, or whoever needs to have a discussion with teens about sexual assault. We can’t let the media teach them alone. Teens of this generation need a realistic discussion about how sexual assault happens and that conversation is probably different from the male and female perspectives. So, it might happen best in a gender-isolated setting. Teens need the opportunity to ask questions, to reflect, and be honest about their concerns. Only when we are able to do that, will we begin to make progress in curbing this problem.

Institutional Scholarships

In my view, one of the least talked about categories of scholarships is the institutional scholarship. These are scholarships that are awarded by the college or university themselves or by an organization very closely related to an individual post-secondary school such as a greek organization or alumni group. I believe the reason these are among the least talked about forms of financial aid is because the people who are asking about scholarships (parents) are asking the wrong people (school counselors).


Every college or university has these types of scholarships. However, the ones at the University of Mississippi, for example, are going to be completely different than the ones Georgetown University in Washington DC has. You can’t expect a random counselor at your high school to know all about those anymore that you can expect him or her to know the best places to eat in South Bend, Indiana. Your counselor can speculate that South Bend has some fast food restaurants, there’s probably a Mexican place, a pizza joint, a sports bar with wings, but how is the counselor supposed to know the exact menu of all those restaurants? If you want to know what’s good to eat around Notre Dame, you need to talk to someone in South Bend. So it is with institutional scholarships.


The best place to start your search is with a college’s financial aid website. Many of these scholarships will be offered at admission as part of the financial aid package. These are recruiting tools for the colleges. If the college really wants you to come, they’ll offer you some money to peak your interest. More often than not, the application for these simply means completing the FAFSA and of course your admissions application. However, there is a whole world of other institutional scholarships and the mechanism for applying for them can vary greatly from one college to the next. This is why looking at the school’s financial aid website is so important.


These “other” scholarships might be offered by an individual department within the school, they could come from a certain club, or at the bequest of an individual alumni. Big schools might have hundreds of these and some of the scholarships might have very narrow scopes. The application might consist of a three-page essay that’s reviewed by a panel or it could be a simple phone interview with a single old lady. Simply put, these can go a lot of different ways.





If you’re really serious about finding scholarships, you have to look for them. There’s a chance some of these scholarships aren’t even on the college’s website. Keep your eyes peeled at orientation and after you start college for newspaper ads, flyers, and other venues around campus. Just because you’re already in college doesn’t mean you can’t find new scholarships. Some could be available exclusively for upperclassmen. This is a great way to reduce your financial aid burden and because these often require a little more homework, the competition can be lighter. You just have to decide how hungry you are for financial aid and hard you’re willing to work to track these down.

The Pursuit of Knowledge

    When we discuss all of the elements of college planning and advising or the cat and mouse game students play with college admissions offices or strategies that can eek out a few extra points on the SAT or ACT we are far too often overlooking the most critical element of our educational system, the pursuit of knowledge.
     In my actions as a counselor, I’m as a guilty of this as anyone else. However, I do try to catch myself now and again and try to remember that all that we do in schools should come down to learning. If a student works to leave each school day knowing a little more and being just a little sharper than they were the day before, they are doing something right.
     When we start talking about college admissions, we lose ourselves in a difference in grades between an 89 and 90. We’re not so worried about our mastery of the content covered on the SAT as we are about whether there is a penalty for guessing on the test. And, we pass up the opportunity to take classes we might be interested in because it might not carry the AP designation or be a weighted credit.
     Okay, college admissions is a big deal and an intricate process, so we have to do those things. Though, I think if students remember their job is to learn and work with that mindset in the forefront, their goals will come along. It’s all in how you spin it to the colleges. If you’re able to convince them that you took a course because that course delivered what you wanted to know--if you can convey that genuinely and meaningfully to them--colleges will be hard pressed to fault you for that.
     One of my recent graduates was interested in nursing. Now, this was very high achieving student but she decided to participate in our CNA program during her senior year. This program is designed for students who are most likely to take their CNA certificate and go right to work after high school. The program pretty much consumes the course selection of senior year and is frankly not one that looks as rigorous as a full slate of AP classes. Well, this student got into the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League school, and will be there this fall. I think Penn appreciated the fact that she wanted to be a nurse, so she took classes that would give her the most experience in that. She just wanted to learn what she wanted to learn. How can any academic institution hold that against you?
     The very best students are aware of their grades but at the end of the day, they just want to be the smartest person in the room. The hard work that they put in doesn’t necessarily come from a place of trying to get the best grades or the best scores so they can go to the best college. It comes from an internal drive to be better. If a young person can develop that as their primary motivator and execute accordingly, the other pieces are sure to fall into place for them.

Recommendation Letters

An important component of any college or scholarship application is recommendation letters. However, there are things students should be aware of as they request these from writers and as they deliver them to readers.


The first thing students need to consider is whether or not rec letters are desired in the first place. Some colleges require them as part of their application, some will consider them, and some specifically state that they do not review rec letters. My advice here is to follow instructions. No matter how amazing a rec letter made you sound, if a college says they don’t want letters, don’t send them. I once had a college admissions rep (who worked for college that did not review letters) tell me they throw away the rec letters they receive. I cannot imagine this inconvenience does anything to improve the first impression an applicant makes on an admissions department. No rec letters means no rec letters.


Conversely, if a college says they want two letters, you had better send two letters. This brings me to my next point. How do you acquire them? There are any one of a number of people in a young person’s life who might be asked to write a recommendation. At their heart, these are statements about who a person is, what their impact has been so far, and where their greatest potential lies. So, the person writing the letter should be able to speak to these elements about the subject. If there is no one in your life that can do that outside of your parents, well that’s a problem. Colleges want students who are ready to head out in the world equipped with the tools needed to be influential in the world around them. They want students with potential. If you’ve done nothing to demonstrate that potential to anyone in your four years of high school, then perhaps you haven’t done all you can to make yourself a strong college applicant. In this regard, think of high school as a four year long audition for college and the non-family members who sat on the front row during that audition are going to be the ones in the best position to write your rec letters.




I write my share of rec letters and I can write one for a goldfish if I need to do, but some of mine are better than others. Students who haven’t made much of an impression on me or for whom I just don’t have much to say are going to get a pretty basic letter. But, those students who I’ve spent a lot of time with and have demonstrated potential to me are going to get something much more detailed and thoughtful. It’s important to find the people you’ve made a connection with who can and will write you a good letter. For whatever reason students connect with different individuals. Some students create strong bonds with their counselor, but others will attach to a teacher, a coach, a principal, a church leader, or an employer. Whoever the person is that you attach to, that’s who should be writing your letter. Create those people before you need them and show them what you are capable of.

Pacing Senior Year

Senior year of high school has a lot of moving pieces. As a student prepares for a life after high school there is a lot to do, especially if that student intends to go to college. If you look at these things as one giant to do list, I fear it appears overwhelming especially when you consider that the end result of it, leaving the nest, can present a lot of anxiety. However, if you break these tasks down and understand the timing of them, they are in fact manageable and that can alleviate a lot of the anxiety young people feel as they approach graduation.

The first step at the beginning of senior year is to get going with college applications. This is generally something that should happen in the months of September, October, and into November. For many seniors, this is a lot to handle. It’s a slap in the face at the beginning of the year that says, “Whoa, this is it. My life is going to be really different the next time summer rolls around.” So, I like to ease those concerns with a visualization. Imagine you are a hallway with a whole bunch of doors. Some of those doors are locked, but some will open. In the fall of senior year, all you are doing is reaching your hand out and testing door knobs to see which doors are locked and which will open. Your feet don’t move in this stage. You’re not choosing which door to walk through yet. Relax. This visualization represents the task of completing the college applications. Most students are going to get into some of the colleges they apply to and be denied admission to others. They’re just figuring out what their options are.

The FAFSA opens in October and students would be wise to get their admissions applications out of the way as early as they can in order to focus on this step. Parents will need to step in and help with this. Remember, just because a school offers you loans you’re not obligated to accept them. Students shouldn’t necessarily allow themselves to feel the emotional burden of student debt before they even have it.

In December, January and February admission decisions start to come back and students are getting a good answer as to which doors will be open to them. Then, hopefully in March and April, maybe earlier, it’s time to move your feet and decide which door to walk through. I hope that by then, seniors have had a little more time to process the emotions that come at the precipice of heading off into the big, wide world. Now, seniors can wrap their heads around which campuses are going to be legitimate options for them. They can start to get excited about roommates and new friends, their own dorm or apartment, a new city, the college lifestyle, etc. I think most seniors are just at a different place emotionally in March than, say, September and helping them pump the breaks on the preparation for adult life is really important to a successful transition.




Of course, once the college decision is made there is still work to do. Students and families, need to make sure financial aid is in order, secure housing, sign up for orientation, etc. At least by this point they’ve walked through the door of their choosing and ready for what’s on the other side.

A College Admission Vocabulary Lesson

Time for a vocabulary lesson. Let’s take the opportunity to look at some words and confusing terminology that are frequently used in the college admission process and make sure we understand exactly what they mean to both the colleges and the students.

Let’s begin with early action. This term refers to the time or deadline by which a student applies to a college. It’s sort of like an early bird sale at a store--come in before 8am and get an extra 20% off. In this case, the college is saying apply before a specific date and we’ll evaluate you ahead of the masses who will be applying later, and perhaps more generously. If a student is accepted under early action, and this is important, they are not bound to attend that school.

That is not true of early decision. ED, as it often called, works similarly to Early Action. It’s kind of an early bird sale on admissions and students must apply by a defined and early date. The biggest difference here is that if a college chooses to admit you under their early decision time frame, you are bound to attend that school. Therefore, it should go without saying that students who apply under ED should be certain they actually want to go to that school and you can only apply to one college as ED. If ED is not your thing and you are not ready to commit, you should apply under the college’s regular decision deadline.

When students hear back about their college applications, there are some other important terms to understand. If you are admitted, you’re in. Good job. If you are denied, you’re out. Sorry. These are the black and white decisions and are easy to understand. However, decisions are often not this straightforward. Some students will be waitlisted. This means that the college has fully evaluated the student but is not ready to admit them. Waitlisted students are in college admissions purgatory. They have neither been denied or admitted. Most colleges who waitlist almost always do come back and admit some students from their waitlist, but that is not guaranteed and some colleges will place thousands of students on their waitlist. Actually, some see this as a nefarious practice, but we’ll talk about that at another time. If you receive a waitlist status at a school you are interested in, it is very important that you continue to explore other options.

Some colleges might defer students instead. In most cases, this means that the college is not ready to make a full evaluation of you. If you are applying early action or early decision they might push you into their regular decision pool and evaluate you then or they might wait until they have additional information such as first semester grades or updated test scores. In either case, deferment is the college’s way of saying, “Hmmm. we’re not so sure about you yet. We want to think about you a little longer.” Whereas waitlisting is a college’s way of saying, “We know we like all these other people more than you, but if they don’t like us and go elsewhere, I guess we might settle for you later.” Maybe, that’s not the warmest sentiment ever, but at least now you know what these terms mean.

Community Service in High School

With summer approaching, many of the daily demands on teenagers will begin to fall away. This means more time to pursue other interests and/or obligations they might not have time for during the school year. For many students, one of these obligations is collecting community service hours.
Now, I am not talking about court-ordered community service. That’s a whole separate issue. I’m talking about community service that is related to high school graduation and scholarships. Currently only one state, Maryland plus the District of Columbia, explicitly require community service for graduation. However, most other states highly encourage it by integrating hours into required courses or by tying them to state-funded scholarships like the Bright Futures scholarship in Florida. Even if you live in one of the few states that make no demands for community service hours, they are never a bad thing to have under your belt when it comes time to apply to college or scholarships from other organizations.

So, what counts as community service? Well, in my experience this is the grayest of gray areas. It’s really hard to put a fine point on this because the opportunity for community service and activities within that realm are vast. Also, I believe what qualifies as community service is in the eye of the beholder. That is to say, I suppose the person most qualified to determine whether or not an activity would count as a service hour is the individual who will or will not accept it. In the context of schools, that is often a counselor or teacher. At my school, that’s me and I would say I’m very liberal in what I accept as a community service hour, but I would never venture to answer for someone else. Therefore, the key here is to ask ahead before you spend a significant amount of time working at something you might not receive credit for.

As far as where to find community service opportunities, those are ample. I think that many teens do a variety of activities that would count as service hours in their regular activities. They just need to be mindful of this and make sure to document the hours. If you volunteer at the concession stand during your little brother’s baseball game, that might count. Just get someone to help you document it. If you still need more hours, reach out to the non-profit organizations in your community, especially in the areas that appeal to you. Do you like animals? See what you can do at the zoo, for example. Trust me, non-profit organizations are always looking for more helping hands. Just ask what they need for you to do.

Summer and other breaks from school are great times to tackle community service requirements.If you start early on in high school and chip away over time, these requirements are usually pretty easy to manage. Try to document everything you do that can count, and you won’t be scrambling at the end of senior year.